Overcoming Unhealthy Obsessions with Image and Food

I like blogging. I am glad you are here with me, reading my blog. I started blogging again to have conversations with people. To share my knowledge. To help. Most of the time, I write about daily life....because, I have a huge message to the world about being real. I want people (especially moms) to be able to read and see someone real. So, I don't go back and capitolize, I don't take a million pictures to get the right one...I want to be real so that real people can feel good about their own lives knowing that I also make a lot of mistakes, but laugh about it. 

Today, I am going to share with you something real. Something that will help. Normally I like to "help" people by helping them laugh at my stories, but this is different today. 

I hope this helps. I feel somewhat scared about this, because this is something very dear to me, but I know it will help someone. I hope you will read and consider your own position in this. Share this with others who might need these words. Parents, realize that this could be happening with your kids.

So here goes :)

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I used to live with Ed. 

Yep, Ed. 

And guess what. I hated him. But I kept him around, because he made me feel good, kinda. 

Ed was dumb, and annoying, and always there. He wouldn't leave me alone. I tried many times to get rid of him, but he wouldn't move out. 

Now, before you think I lived with a man before I got married, I didn't. Ed is someone or something, i should say, that tries to creep into all our lives...at least I think so.

Ed stands for Eating Disorder. 

Now, I believe that eating disorders do not only fall under the 2 names of bulimia or anorexia (albeit, they are quite severe and need immediate help). No, I think that the definition of eating disorders is as follows: an unhealthy obsession over eating or image.   

The key word is unhealthy and obsession.

Here is my story of how I let Ed in, and how I kicked him out. As you read take your judging caps off please, and let me tell you a sad but glorious story.

As a teenager I was on sports teams and didn't really have to worry about my weight. I could eat whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. But once college hit, and I started eating my emotions, and gaining a lot of weight, Ed moved right in. I didn't realize it for YEARS!!!    I loved eating cake for breakfast, and making a batch of cookie dough and eating the whole thing in one night. It gave me some sense of control I guess, but as we find out later, things like these that we feel like we do to have "control" over, are really just controlling us. Any unrighteous habit/addiction should be stopped!

Anyway, i won't go into all the bad things I loved to eat, but binge eating was common (eating a lot all at once past the point of full is considered binge eating--binge eating doesn't have to include throwing up, as mine never did). Even though I gained a lot of weight, I didn't see it as a problem because I liked it. I wanted to have that feeling or that high that I got from eating what I wanted. So I kept going. 

I went on my mission and lost a bunch of weight because I was really sick, and that made the problem worse, because i could eat all I wanted but not gain weight when I was sick. So I ate cookies and peanut butter for breakfast and whole bags of candy for lunch.    

One day, I realized I had a problem.  I was out of control, and although I didnt have the aforementioned "eating disorders" I did have an "eating disorder." I couldn't control myself. I finally turned to my Savior for help with this habit (later i would learn to classify it as an addiction) that was ruining my life, since it was all I could think about. (to keep this short, you can read my story of how The Book of Mormon and helped me change my eating habits and lose weight here )

Ok. So now I realized there was a problem (THIS IS THE FIRST STEP), and I had turned to the Savior to help me overcome it (this is another important step). But there are still many years of struggling that went on. 

I got home from my mission, and had lost a lot of weight, but since I wasn't "as" sick anymore i started gaining the weight back, and this is when my obsession over my image became a problem. I remember weighing myself multiple times a day, and I would spend way too much time staring at myself in the mirror and grabbing my face/side chub and hating it. I would stare at selfies that made me look good for hours. Now, i dont care how heavy or skinny anyone is...this kind of behavior is unhealthy!

I felt so alone. I wanted to be changed. I wanted to overcome this and not think about it. I wanted to be able to be healthy and have a body that i was proud of and not think about it....but it consumed me. That is all I ever thought about. How do I look? How much do I weigh?  and the main thing was:  what I was going to eat next? Sounds ironic huh? Someone who is trying to lose weight, thinking about what she is going to eat all the time. But it was.

I remember the worst semester of my life. I was at BYU. I was Relief Society president. I was in a very challenging top notch Chinese Program. I was at the end of my marathon training. I was trying to get good grades to keep my scholarships. I was also going on dates every weekend. I also would wake up at 5 and go the gym every morning. My life was so full! I was taking a "Stress Management" class that was required for my major. (This is where I ended up learning about how Perfectionism is a deadly disease, but that will have to wait for another post :)...anyway, this class required us to see a counselor about our stress.   This is where things started to change. 

They realized that I was a mess. Although my life looked "great" to everyone else (the aforementioned life of many dates, marathon, RS pres, etc is just what you want, right? wrong!!), I was unhealthy. So I started seeing a counselor regularly and through talking things out with her I started going to an Eating Disorder group (even though I didn't have the classified eating disorders, my obsession with weight and food qualified me). This is finally where Ed started to leave my life.

Isn't that crazy??? I was very spiritual. I was taking classes that filled me with knowledge of how to be healthy and take care of my body. I was a very smart and strong willed person....but I couldn't do it on my own. Even with prayer and fasting (oh, i fasted almost every week to overcome this) I needed extra help. It was good. I learned about how these thoughts and actions I previously mentioned were destructive and if I didn't stop them, they would ruin my relationships, my body, and my life. It was so relieving to get help and to kick Ed out. 

I finally got a handle on my binge eating and this habit was at an all time low! But the thoughts and obsession about food and image were still there. This is where the next sememster saved my life. I was in another class for my major about Drug Abuse and we were required to go to the LDS church's 12 Step Addiciton Recovery Program for at least one meeting. I realized this is where I could overcome my addiction. So I did. I kept going, and it was great. No one knew what my problem was, but they were all there to help me. 

Skip ahead a few years......here I am today. I want to tell you that Ed never visits and doesn't even cross my mind anymore, but I can't. He still knocks. I feel like eating disorders are different from addictions like smoking. Smoking, you just never pick up the cigarette again. No, I feel like eating disorders are like pornography addictions where the main battle is going on in your thoughts, and you can "sin" just by your thoughts. Every time I put on clothes, or look in the mirror or want to compare myself with my beautiful friend, Ed is there waiting to come in. Every time I eat (especially when I'm alone) Ed is knocking. Ed is something that I have to keep my guard up against all the time. He has been overcome and can stay out of my life forever, but it doesn't keep him from knocking. 

Him knocking has nothing to do with me, or relapsing. I can still be clean of that disease by keeping him out...but he still knocks.   BUT that doesnt mean that it doesnt get easier! I have bolted that door and with my tools from counseling, the 12 step addiction program, doctrines from the church, the support of my husband,  and lots of prayer I am not tempted to binge eat almost ever. It is def easier.  I can't unlock the door to Ed just because I think he won't come back. Nope. He is out there, so I have to put the energy in to keep the door shut, but I am defeating him every day and I am stronger than I used to be!

I tell you this because I want to help you overcome Ed too! Not so you will look at me differently, and wonder every time that i eat if I am having troubles with my eating disorder....no, I want to help YOU! Don't let this obsession overcome you. The world will tell you that its ok to be obsessed. Your friends will all talk about their weight or what they eat. But you don't have to have this evil monster consume you! 

You probably are thinking....well then Jessica. Why do you post about healthy food and exercising all the time? Isn't that unhealthy? Well, not in my book. I think that eating healthy and exercising to feel good is wonderful! When its only purpose is to look good, then it becomes detrimental.  That is exactly why I still eat cookies (only a few) and hamburgers and don't exercise sometimes, because I think that it is healthy to have a little of that in your life. I just live healthy most of the time because I know my emotions are more stable, and I am less tired, and my heart will be healthier, and I can prevent diseases like cancer and heart disease by my healthy habits.

So, be healthy to feel healthy. It feels SOOOOOOOOO good!

Here's to a healthy life, and healthy eating habits, and healthy thoughts!

But if you feel like you have been consumed by Ed. Don't despair! 

Here are some tips for overcoming it:

-Let others in your life know you are struggling and be accountable to them--at least one person-- (that includes letting them know when you ate a whole bag of cookies)

-Take things out of your life that make it worse (I threw away my scale, un-friended people on fb/pinterest/social media who seemed to have an obsession, or who made me jealous and think about how I am not as skinny as them)

-Get professional help: Talk to your bishop, go to counselling (a lot of insurance companies pay for this)

-Dont feel ashamed to go to the LDS church's 12 Step Addiciton Recovery Program --here-- (or at least go through the steps on your own.)

Here are some other resources that can help:

For the Strength of Youth: "avoid extremes in diet that could lead to eating disorders."

An Article in the April 2015 Ensign about the atonment found here

Talks on the lds.org website about Eating Disorders found here

Famous-LDS, Lindsay Stirling, talks about her overcoming her eating disorder here